Part 3, Stand by your man.

Your support in listening to his dreams—and even enabling a few to come true—communicates your respect. Dreaming together is like marriage insurance: You're blending your hopes for a shared future.

Be on his side.

Keep thinking of you two as a lifelong team. So when your husband has a problem, it's your problem, too. A husband longs for this kind of companionship—to know he's not alone.

My friend, Alicia, talks about sticking up for her husband in public. You won't hear her voicing complaints about her husband, Dan, to friends at church, or making belittling comments to him in front of others. If they've got problems, says Alicia, they deal with them privately.

If you have children, include your husband in parenting decisions (even if he defers most of the troubleshooting in this area to you). Stand by his discipline decisions. Model your respect for him in front of your kids, and he'll really feel your encouragement!

Get off your agenda and onto his.

We get accustomed to organizing our family's weekly menus, schedules, social calendars, and errands. So sometimes it may be hard to let go of the reins and let our husband "drive" some of the family time. Yet it may be as simple as starting one Saturday with a flexible attitude, prepared to rearrange our tasks and errands around his plans for the day.

This is a tough one for me. I like to plan ahead—while David's approach is more laid-back. He'll say, "Let's take a bike ride," and the next thing I know, we're at the park, then at Tastee-Freeze. But the family fun that evolves when we're doing things spontaneously creates a nice balance for us all.

Nothing shows our love and respect more than backing off to give our husband's plans and ideas some room to develop.

Be available for physical intimacy.

I asked David, "What do I do that encourages you?" Right away he answered, "Your black nightgown encourages me!" Of course David was deliberately being naughty. But you know what? I think he's right. He does handle the demands of work and family more cheerfully when we've been having sex regularly. Maybe it's because when that strong physical need is met, there's one less thing to distract him. But it's also because our physical intimacy's a barometer for the rest of our relationship. If we're coming together physically, it's a good sign we're working well as a team. It's a signal (an encouragement!) to him that he's doing fine at home.

Don't wait for your husband to "deserve it."

This last bit of advice is perhaps the most important. Maybe your husband takes you for granted. Maybe he never says thank you. So what I'm asking—for you to encourage and respect him anyway—seems like something requiring superhuman strength.

Here's the good news: There is superhuman power accessible to help you. Ask God to give you his love for your husband. Ask God to help you see one or two good aspects in your husband you can praise and respect.

My friend Michele Weiner-Davis, a popular marriage therapist, calls this "tipping the first domino." Jesus called it doing "to others what you would have them do to you" (Matt. 7:12). You both need affirmation and encouragement, but you can't make your husband speak the words you need. You can only be responsible for your actions, so go first! Be the one to set a new standard for encouraging words and behavior in your marriage. God will honor your efforts, and your husband's going to love it!